Not-So-Fun Size

I've been talking about my shopping habits quite a bit here lately. I definitely have a better understanding of my shopping patterns and I think it's been good for me to evaluate why and how much I'm shopping. I've had mostly positive outcomes because of these changes, but I've also had some unpleasant experiences now that I'm much more intentional with my shopping. Nothing horrible obviously. I mean, it's just clothes! But regardless, I've had some unexpected experiences.

Someone commented on my last post saying that the moment you start looking for specific items they seem to disappear from all the shops. This couldn't be truer! I swear, now that I'm actually looking to buy things nothing is in stock! I've spent a good two months or so planning what I want to spend money on and it's so frustrating not being able to find those items. But the most prominent issue I've faced recently is sizing.

This is a pic I took in my plus-size body. Holla!

Like most of us I was a lot thinner in high school. This is partially because I spent all four years on drum line marching with a 20-ish pound instrument hanging off of me. (It's actually pretty physically demanding, band camp jokes aside.) But it's also because I had a pretty unhealthy relationship with my body. I distinctly remember slimming down to a size 4 and thinking I was obese. OBESE. This was the smallest I had ever been and I probably won't (and don't really want to) ever return to that size. I was basically obsessed with keeping my weight down and while I never entered dangerous territory, it was definitely unhealthy. Needless to say my habits and priorities have changed since then and instead of focusing on size I've been focusing on overall health.

My fave body-posi Instagrammer / My fave "plus size" model rn

So although I'm healthier now and have a much more realistic outlook on health in general, I'm also larger. It's something I've been struggling with for a while. I know it's not necessarily bad to be larger, but it's something I'm still not really used to. I've slowly climbed up the sizing chart and am now teetering between "regular" size and "plus" size. The crazy thing is that I don't even feel that big though. The fact that I've been to several stores that either don't carry my size or if they do it's in a separate section has been a real wake up call. If it's this hard for me to find clothes, I can't imagine how hard it is for people larger than me to find clothes. I guess it's mostly frustrating because until now I've never struggled to find my size in stores. But how unfair is that?! Like I'm finally working towards accepting my body but all of sudden I'm being told that a body of my size isn't good enough to be shopping in these stores. So maybe that's a little dramatic but it's really discouraging to go shopping in an environment like that. Several stores carry extra-smalls, which gives me the impression that it's a-okay to be extra-small. But many of those stores don't carry extra-larges. It seems so backwards to me that these stores make an effort to cater one extreme of the size spectrum, but not the other.

I don't feel "plus" size. I just feel like a regular person who wants new clothes. But this whole process has become a lot more complicated thanks to this labeling dilemma. I'm not necessarily ashamed of my size because, like I said, I actually feel pretty good about myself. But no matter how good I feel about myself, it still kind of stings when my body is poorly represented.


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